


Thoughts of Eric Daniel

by Mania (misaano4799)



Category: Circus System, Original Work
Genre: Alters, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internal relationships, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-27 17:10:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12085536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misaano4799/pseuds/Mania
Summary: The thoughts of Eric Daniel Amphy.This is more of a diary than a story. Much of this is based off of personal experiences





	1. Chapter 1

I lay in bed, the love of my life beside me during a vicious storm. He urges me to speak, even if it’s just a narration of current happenings.

 _“You'll delve into something more… you”_ he says.

More… me?

He must know me better than myself.

The winds sound as if they are doing more damage than the pelting rain.

To him, this storm is a fact of life. To me, it is my first time, and yet, I am calm, calmer than him even.

He is worried about the windows shattering, flooding of his home, the loss of all the memorabilia he’s hoarded since childhood. The childhood he can no longer remember.

I, however, see things differently. Death has come and passed more than once. I no longer feel the fear that comes with its presence. One might even say I welcome it.

The thought of nature overrunning society, taking it for its own by force. I welcome it.

 _“Ah yes. The ‘you' I told you would come”_ my love says. He holds my hand and squeezes it softly.

Affirmation to keep going.

I was always one to contemplate the worth, or rather worthlessness, of man. We are nothing but a danger to the forces of nature, bending it to our own will, regardless of consequences.

There's a beauty in destruction. I would love to see nature take its lands by force, unlike the passiveness of video games. Vines climbing and scaling up buildings, weeds growing in the cracks of concrete.

No.

I want more.

Indiscriminate ending of lives. Roofs falling on the helpless bodies of the people it was meant to shelter, regardless of the blood in which they were born. Helpless without the precious resources they have grown dependent on.

I am very aware that I fall into this category and I well accept my own death for the grander good. If nature could flow again without hindrance, why not kill a few billion? Not by race, blood, or heritage, but by pure chance. A lottery of death.

Perhaps a few who wish for death can sacrifice themselves to our cause? Bring down the population and weed out the weak.

My lover’s hand loosens its grip on mine as his breaths slow down and soften to an even pace. I continue to hold his soft hand, keeping him safe for the storm to come.

If nature takes him, it takes me too, for we are one and the same in body.

_-Eric-Daniel Amphy_


	2. Chapter 2

Another day, another complication. I feel nothing but rage. Rage and a need to protect.

  
Ever since a few months back, my love, Mania, has been struggling to front for more than a few days, leaving the rest of us alters to front for weeks on end, much longer than any of us are comfortable with.

  
Normally, we were used to rapid switching and shaky cofronting due to misinformation damaging us internally.

But now its different

Mania is trying his best to recover from a poly relationship that tore him to bits when he broke up with one of his partners by no will of his own. I, as his other partner of three years, have been quite supportive of him (or at least to the best of my abilities. I was quite the monster when it came to jealousy and temper).

  
As of now, Mania's father has been nagging him over not being a functional adult.

Why don't you drive? Why don't you have a job? Why don't you know your way around town?

Maybe if you actually taught him when he was a child instead of expecting him to know after his developmental stages, he might have known.

Instead of that, you spent time on the lawn, on the pool, and on the job you never needed overtime for.

Mania is prone to trembling fits in situations where he feels as of he's made a mistake. No one taught him that mistakes are essential for learning, so now he fears the thought of being stupid.

  
He's been "behind" since he could remember. Socially, academically, and even in his ability to care for himself.

  
He is also prone to bouts of suicidal ideation upon remembering his shortcomings, and his father's next statement did not help.

"You're gonna hit a hard wall one day and you'll end up jumping off the balcony."

Thank you father- no no- THANK _YOU_ SIR.

Then, to make matters worse, he leaves and comes back with not one, but TWO bullets. As if he hasn't thought of that either.

THANK YOU JEO.

I want out of here.

_\- Eric Daniel Amphy_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eric here this time. mania wwas shaken up today because of his father's mention of suicide above, so i took the liberty of typin these next two chapters up instead  
> -eric daniel amphy


	3. Chapter 3

I WANT OUT.

I don't care if Mania says they're family. I don't care if he says they love him because for FUCK'S SAKE they aren't all that great at communicating it at all.

Mania is one to need a lot of physical and verbal reassurance that he is loved. I tell him I love him every night and he STILL doubts it because I don't have the body to physically hold him and kiss him on his beautiful soft lips.

I love Mania to death.

Mania, at 15, took up the challenge of rehabilitating this traumatized 13 year old with no concept of love, family, or safety.

Mania, at 15, showed me that, no, not everyone wants to hurt me. No, not everyone is out to kill me. No, not everyone wants this fish kid dead.

He's cared for me throughout the nightmares from a life that was only real in the realm of fiction. He taught me how to keep my anger in check. How to live with an ounce of normalcy. How to live PERIOD.

I can only think of happy moments we shared.

Watching videos of other people playing games we could not afford to play ourselves. Cold nights where we bundled ourselves up in thick blankets and talked until we fell asleep. Nights when the littles would come to us with a nightmare and cuddled up with a stuffie while he and I could just  _feel_ our arms wrapped around a child who has never known what it was like to used the words "mother" and "father" without refering to a stranger.

How could a man not fall in love?

This brave and strong soul only sees weakness in himself and all I see in him is strength, love, and compassion that I would have never even thought existed where I "came from."

And that's why I want out.

He isn't going to grow here.

His brother is a narcissist with no regard to how the words coming out of his mouth could damage Mania.

His sister is going through her own tramas and working through her own issues.

His mother is a single mom who wants nothing but the best, but is ultimately too busy trying to care for her kids.

His father is a man who is so close to starting fresh and having a fourth child of his own with his new love.

We aren't going to grow here.

Shit...

I can feel his sense of worthlessness. Him feeling like hes a burden to everyone.

Mania, if you're reading this:

You aren't a burden. You're a star my love. Brighter than the rest of them.

They are your past, but they are not your future.

You can keep going.

Even if the whole world is against you, I believe in you.

I love you Mania. I love you with my heart and soul.

_-Eric Daniel Amphy_

**Author's Note:**

> This is what my alter Eric was thinking when Hurricane Irma hit Florida. I couldn't sleep over the worry of losing everything I had at home, and he comforted me by just saying what came to mind.  
> -Mania


End file.
